CSI: Click A Tree – The Mysterious Case of the Christmas Climate Change
We grabbed our North Pole-aroid camera and the rest of our detective equipment to go undercover. The results in our Click A Tree laboratree don’t lie.
We’ve found the real climate change culprit. You better hold on for deer life – you won’t believe what we’ve discovered.
CSI: Click A Tree. A Frosty Investigation
So here’s the lowdown. Somebody on our planet is up to snow good, and they’ve definitely made it on to Click A Tree’s naughty list. They should be on yours too.
Climate change ain’t cool – everybody knows that. But nobody was taking responsibility. It was a classic international PR blame-game that nobody wanted to lose, with everybody telling us that it was natural.
Then we got our first clues.
What if everybody down here is innocent after all? Maybe there is somebody behind climate change, and it isn’t all natural. Is that person spreading fake news from a faraway hiding place? Has he employed a team of elf-sized hackers to infiltrate social networks and gaslight us all over global warming?
We asked ourselves – who would benefit from climate change the most?
That’s when your CSI: Click A Tree investigation kicked into overdrive.
We turned our eyes to the skies with a ‘ho ho ho’ and headed to the North Pole.
What’s Christmas Got To Do With Climate Change?
Everything we discovered led us in the direction of this rather suspicious Father Christmas character in the famously harsh Arctic conditions. Nobody had suspected a covert climate change operation to be taking place in the home of Christmas itself.
Our investigation snowballed and uncovered some devastating evidence. Sure as Donald Trump won the US elections, we discovered that Santa Claus is behind climate change.
Ignore your lamestream media – these are the facts.
The polar bears on the North Pole? They were actually automated surveillance machines in disguise, all of them using diesel.
And all the trees on the North Pole? Gone. Santa Claus cut them all down decades ago! And we all know that one of the biggest benefits of planting trees is that they help to reverse climate change.
Then, on top of that, we lost count of all the sleigh-utility-vehicles (SUVs) we could see, blitzing through the snow as fast as they could.
We infiltrated the HQ and got to spend some time with the evil genius himself. It actually wasn’t that difficult when you know exactly where he is…
(If you’d like to meet him, too: The Irish government already confirmed he’ll be visiting Ireland this year, and won’t need to quarantine…)
The Shocking Truth: Father Christmas Caused Climate Change
For Santa Claus, climate change would probably be pretty nice, wouldn’t it? After all, he’s an elf-made man, and he can afford to retire and live in luxury.
You’d better believe it: climate change has been caused by none other than Father Christmas himself.
And he doesn’t even try to deny it! He happily gave us an exclusive interview. This is what he had to say.
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CSI Click A Tree: “So Santa. What made you want to cause climate change?”
*evil laughter. Hohoho. He pees his pants laughing and it immediately turns to yellow ice.*
“First of all: Call me Sunny. My real name is Claus, and Santa is short for “sun-tanned”. I used to be the cool, cocktail-gulping sun-tanned Claus.
But those days are over since I had to move from the Bahamas up to here due to some tax issues.
And second: Why the hell not? I’m God, as I already told the last interview team that came up here¹. I can do whatever I want.
I’m bored of the snow and the cold. I can’t take a leak standing up without the urine turning into ice – even before it hits the ground! And if I sit down my bum freezes to the toilet seat. It’s a nightmare!
I prefer surfing in real waves and warm seas – ice surfing gets so boring so fast. Oh you didn’t know? I love surfing and sandboarding!
Back in the Bahamas sun-tanned Claus used to win one surf comp after the other.
I’ve got quite the collection of boards, and I want to surf properly where I am. What’s the point in all of this ocean if it’s always frozen?!
Besides, after all of my hard work and my long journeys I only get cookies and milk?! I prefer cocktails and coconuts in the Caribbean!”
CSI Click A Tree: “How can you single-handedly change the climate?”
*even evil-er laughter. Like crazy evil. Hohoho-hoho.*
“I knew I couldn’t do it alone, so I looked for expert advice. The Illuminati were only too happy to help.
They told me everything I needed to know about releasing carbon dioxide and global warming. I even signed a long-term rental agreement from them for a team of loyal elf employees that are highly trained in Russian hacking techniques.
My SUVs are extra-eco-evil, I get to fly my Sunny sleigh everywhere (just think about all my airmiles… hahaha), and I made sure that my reindeers released double-damaging methane into the atmosphere. My chemist calls it “the insane pain methane”.
It’s actually not that difficult to change the climate once you put a bit of bad will into it.
All you need is a bit of PR to spread fake news and confuse people. And my PR team is so good that many people truly believe that I don’t actually exist! Hahahaha. How cool is that?”
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CSI Click A Tree: “What’s your end goal?”
*most evil-est laughter we’ve heard to date. Hohoho-hoho-hohoho-ho*
“Owning the biggest and best beach resort in the world! First I put the rest of the beach resorts underwater – literally. Next, I get all the sunshine, sand, and warm seas I need for well-paying customers (and most importantly me) to enjoy.
I’m tired of living in the snow, and I deserve to retire in the sun surrounded by celebrities and big-spenders. Surfing, pina coladas, and relaxation, that sounds perfect to me.”
CSI Click A Tree: “And they don’t have any electric cars up here?”
*his potentially uber-evil laughter is drowned out by Sunny revving his SUV*
“I need the biggest SUVs (sleigh-utility-vehicle) I can get! Do you think I could cruise through two meters of fresh snow with a Tesla? Or a bicycle? Hahahahaha! You keep on recycling your cardboard and I’ll keep on with my plan for Christmas climate change.”
And with that, he sleighed his way into the distance.
(Just check out all the emissions caused by his sleigh – best seen in sighting #3.)
Help Us Save Christmas and You’ll Help Reverse Climate Change
Climate change means that we’d never see Santa again, since he’d be surfing and chilling in the Bahamas again. That means we can’t allow him to retire – we need to find a way to reverse climate change and keep the Arctic cold.
Don’t worry. We love Christmas from head to mistletoe, just like you. And we’re not going to let Santa destroy it.
3 steps to stop Santa’s evil plans
We have a bit of a soft spot for Mother Earth as well. And luckily, our “3 steps to stop Santa’s evil plans” saves the planet while it saves Christmas.
1: Share This CSI Special With Everyone You Know
2020’s been a strange year for all of us! Share this article to give somebody a laugh and brighten up december. Tag us on Instagram this Christmas, and join in with our Facebook conversations about Santa Claus trying to cause climate change.
2: Gift Sustainably
Next, make sure that you shop sustainably this Christmas. Check out 15 of our favorite sustainable presents to give a gift that helps save our planet.
3: Plant a Tree
Do you have a Christmas tree at home? It doesn’t matter if it’s real, artificial, or homemade. Plant a real tree as well.
Everybody loves sharing presents at Christmas time. It’s one of the highlights of the year, and a beautiful time to spend with family and friends.
Let’s make sure we can keep that tradition going by giving the gift of a tree this year.
When you plant a tree, you create a natural carbon sink. You provide a future for endangered animal species, and you make sure that sun-tanned Claus won’t melt our ice caps.
We’ll get started on the design for an emission-free Santa sleigh. All you have to do is plant a tree.
And all that takes are a few simple clicks.
Thanks for another year of helping us to plant so many new trees. We wish you a sensational festive season – and may sun-tanned Claus be good to you.